Wounded animal

Before I even noticed, you were already there, looking from the distance, like a small scared litte cat. You came close so slowly, testing the waters, until you were just there, being my companion through time and space.

I don’t remember living without you. I’m not complaining, I just don’t know how would be my life without you in there, whispering into my ear. For sure, I wouldn’t be exactly the same, and I’m not sure if I should be thankful or kicking your ass out of my life. But the real thing is that we’re partners in this, no matter what, you always will be there telling me what I should be doing, what I should feel about everything.

I carried your heart
Like a wounded animal, soft
I kept my condolences to myself, soft
I spent my last hours defending how I fell

At the beginning, it’s was really nice, we just talked to each other, you gave me good advices, but little by little your heart started to be poison by all the noise and nonsense that surround us in this frenetic universe. Then I started to explore, to be curious and show my own self to the world. You knew since the beginning that I wanted to navigate through a river but you found the way to make me hide my interest, to pretend it wasn’t there… to make me a fool, unaware of everything. So, you put in my unconscious mind that rivers are not safe… that it should be wiser if I could be cautious. Besides, it’s safer to walk. You told me to try to go for walks instead.

So… I tried to walk, because you told me that, and because it seems a lot of people like it. You told me it wasn’t wise or safe to be different, and different people ended alone. I didn’t want to end alone. I wasn’t different. I wasn’t sure about walking, but everybody told me that I liked walks, I must like to walk because everybody does… so I tried it.

It didn’t feel good, it was weird and boring. I stopped. I didn’t want to keep walking. It doesn’t feel right. But you never let me down. So I was cautious as you told me… I didn’t want to be different, and I holded myself back in so many ways I couldn’t even count them, and I ended up standing alone.

By this time, I wasn’t sure you were right. I could touch the water a little bit. So I opened myself a little bit and a little bit more until I felt happy and hopeless at the same time, because I must be holding myself back because I trusted you.

The time just passed, and I opened again to the idea of see the world. I built a tiny boat, and I left myself flow through the river, I left myself to feel water into my face, and obviously, I got hurt. You can’t navigate a big river in a tiny boat with extremely bad weather and not be hurt in the process, but I was so innocent that I didn’t know… I didn’t know that wasn’t safe or wise to swim in wild water, because nobody is going to rescue you… you need to go out yourself.

So, when I was drowning myself, you screamed at me so hard, «I told you so!» that I’m still listening. You let me there, crying and trying to recover the pieces of my tiny broken boat. You were right, nobody asked me to cross the river, but I wanted to see what it was in the other side! I wanted to be in the river and see how it feels the unknown. The thing is, it hurt so badly, and I was so broken at the end, that I decide to listen to you more often, just in case…

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I didn’t try harder
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I didn’t try at all
I lost myself when I found you in the fall
I left it all
I lost myself when I found you in the fall
I left it all

I was a bit lost and you started to push me, you told me all those things… and life started to be more complicated, so you hug me and comfort me… telling me that I didn’t need to walk or navigate, that we have each other, and we didn’t need anything else. You helped me to put all the bricks… to build the little cage where I couldn’t breathe that well and the air was weird, but I was safe and stable. You could control me when I was there, so… everything was fine. I knew you loved me and you didn’t want to me to be hurt. So I trusted you, and I didn’t question it.

I carried your love
With a kind of urgency, scared
I kept all my senses from feeling you too much

In an imperceptible moment, I saw some light, and I went out to have a quick look. I found a different river. This time, I wasn’t going to be that innocent. I touched the water, and I put a foot inside. It was nice, but I wasn’t sure if it was going to be that safe, so I tried to put the boat first. It was there for a bit, but I was unticipating what was going to happen… and then, it happened. The river took the boat, but this time, I wasn’t inside. It hurt to lose my boat, but it was nothing like before. So you told me it wasn’t worth it to keep trying, that always was going to be like that… that my cage was the best place to be.

We were there for a really long time. You let me go outside to see the trees… I didn’t want to navigate anymore. It felt so lonely. 

– «Maybe it’s not that bad, at least it’s not painful» – I repeated myself over and over again. You trained me really well by that moment, when I saw a river, I just looked away. – «Rivers hurts, we don’t do rivers»- , I told myself. There were calm rivers out there waiting to be found, where to be curious and cross to see the other side. If I had doubts, you were there to remind me the things that happened before, how I felt and – «Rivers don’t want to be navigate, just want to be alone, and nobody likes to navigate, you’re not a weirdo» – you repeated over and over loud and clear.

After all these things, here we are. Broken but with the pieces in the same place. Alone, but stable. Depressed but unquestionable. Hopeless, but safe.

Then you whispered and whispered…. until I couldn’t take it anymore.

– That it’s enough. You’re not helping me! – I yell at you – When was the moment you started to whisper all these nonsenses?

– I’m not telling nonsense! I had been helping you since the beginning and you are not capable of appreciate it. – you reproach me.

– But, I want to navigate a river! I want to see and discover all the wonders that it has. – my eyes started to bright.

-You just take a walk! – you rolled your eyes – Take a damn walk!. How many times I need to tell you?

– I’m not feeling like walking!. How many times I need to tell you? – I repeated with sarcasm – It has nothing to be with me. I know it’s not going to be easy, but when were we following the easy stuff? – you rolled your eyes again and sighed – Don’t look at me like that !- I told, pushing you a bit – We have this capacity to avoid the easy and try the hard way. This shouldn’t be different.

– I know. I have been hard with you, but is the only way you listen! – you sighed one more time.

– But we don’t need to be hard to each other. – I said – It’s already tough to fight againts everything, just take it easy with me, we’re in the same team!.

– I know, you don’t need to yell at me! – you said yelling at me.

– I’ll stop yelling at you, when you stop whispering me all the bad things that «maybe» will happen. Stop telling me that there are no rivers to navigate. Stop telling me that I’ll break a hundred boats… – I took a deep breath – because maybe I need to break a hundred boats, to cross a river and find what is on the other side… to find a river that wants to be crossed. It will hurt, that much I know, but… what if it doesn’t?

– What if it does?, I won’t let you to discover it, it’s too risky. – you make a pause – On second thought, I don’t even need to try it, you will never try to navigate or walk or anything, you’re a coward and…

– A coward?!? – I cut your little speach- and who is responsible of that? me?- I waited for and answer a few seconds – you were inserting those ideas in my head through time and I started to believe them, until I realise you were making me hide everything I felt from myself – I took a moment to realise something – perhaps it’s my fault after all, I shouldn’t believe what you said without question it, without thinking if it’s something reasonable or not.

– That is the problem, you don’t think -you blame me – I’m the only one thinking about all the disadvantages, all the possible things that could be wrong.

– And I appreciated it, without you I’ll be doing all the crazy things I think everyday and we would probably death – I said, trying to calm the situation a little bit – but you can’t be telling my that everything is going to be a disaster, because we’ll be in that cage forever and what is the point in that? to be lonely and miserable? to feel sorry for myself like a wounded animal?

– I don’t want you to feel miserable, but I just panic if I think that something could happen to you – you said so sad.

– There are a tone of things that will happen to me, but if you don’t let me, we’ll never discover which ones make me feel good- I touched your arm.

– Alright, maybe you should try to float in a river, but in a calm one, please – you finally agreed

– Or maybe, we should make a bridge, one that make us to feel comfortable, one we could cross together with caution as you like, – I joked, smiled and puch you in the arm, trying to reduce the tension of the moment – and see what is in the other side and then… decide together what we should do next. We don’t need to think in the worst scenario before anything happen.

-Maybe you’re right – you conceded me – maybe we should try, because you’re not funny anymore and I don’t like it, I miss that of you

– Don’t you dare! I’m always funny you little idiot! – I exploded in laughts and I started to tickle you.

So we agreed to balanced the situation a little bit… and maybe anything is black or white… maybe there is a palette of colours to discover, a ton of rivers to cross, skies to fly, places to stand and… why not, roads to walk.

Fear is the worst of disabilities

«- pss, pss!-

– Now, what?- I said

– But you don’t like walks – you whispered

– I know, they already know I don’t like walking – I was making a point. There are space for everything.

– Who is they? – you were still whispering – I knew you were crazy – you added

– The person who take the time to read this story, you idiot! –

– Wait, what? There are people spying on us? – you said surprised

– They aren’t spying on us. You told me I wasn’t funny anymore. I’m being funny.

– Ha ha ha, hilarious

– Go to sleep, let me alone! – I said

– pss, psss – I didn’t answer- pssssssss pssssss!!!!!!

-Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat again?

– I have being thinking – («finally you think», I thought) – Don’t go for walks if you don’t want to, it’s ok. I don’t like it either. Go to find if you like to navigate, we’ll find the way to not die – you whispered

– Thank you for the consideration, just go to sleep a little bit -I repeated

– Ok, love u!

– Love u too little ass»